Why I’m Here

To make a long story short, I grew up going to church.  It wasn’t always willingly but I was there.  I made Jesus my Lord and savior at an early age, and I faked things for several years.  I didn’t feel close to God but I knew all the right things to say.  I graduated college, got a job, and got married.  Everything was was moving along until we had problems getting pregnant.  After several tests, one minor surgery, and 11 months of trying to conceive we became pregnant.  I truly believed God for that baby.  I stood on Exodus 23:26; and was confident that the pregnancy would continue for nine months, and in November of 2012, I would be holding my bundle of joy.

The pregnancy failed at just shy of 10 weeks.  I was depressed.  I was angry with God, and I began to loose faith in Him.  Since I couldn’t understand how a God who supposedly love us could allow something like that to happen after I faithfully prayed for it every day, I quit talking to God.  I quit praying, and I stopped wanting to go to church.  God seemed so cold to me at that point that I wanted nothing to do with him.  I told myself that I would spend a little time away from God and see how things went.  I didn’t really need Him to get pregnant because as I looked around so many others were seemingly getting pregnant without God.

My husband and I went on a vacation to the beautiful island of Barbados a couple of months after the pregnancy ended.  While sitting on the balcony of our hotel room listening to the beach, a thought came to me.  I now believe that voice was the Holy Spirit.  It said, “Grace, what if you never get pregnant?”  Never get pregnant?  Me never be a mom?  Oh my gosh, no I couldn’t handle that.  I would be miserable.  I’ve been waiting on the day I would become a mother for years.  I didn’t know how I could keep living like that.

Let me back up for you.  I’ve always lived my life for the future.  I’ve never really lived in the moment.  While in high school, I couldn’t wait to get away from home and be on my own.  While in the dorms, I couldn’t wait until I could get my own apartment.  Once I got my own apartment, I couldn’t wait to be done with school.  When I started working, I couldn’t wait to buy my own home.  When I bought my own home, I couldn’t wait to be married.  When I got married, I couldn’t wait to have children.  Do you see it?  Always living in the future, but never truly enjoying the moment.

So, as I sat on that balcony listening to those soothing waves, I thought about how my life would be miserable without a baby because I would be in this constant state of anticipation waiting for that pregnancy test to become positive again.  And that’s when I decided that I would need to learn how to be content with exactly where I am.  I had never lived my life like that.  I wasn’t sure I even knew how to live like that.  So that’s where this blog comes in.  I want to document my journey as I learn how to be content in all things no matter where I am or how my life is.  I know that will only come with a deeper relationship with God, and I have embarked on that journey.

James 4:8 says, “Draw nigh to God, and He will draw nigh to you.  Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded.”

So that settles it and it’s really simple.  To develop a closer relationship with God, just come close to Him and He will come close to you.  I am so excited about what God is about to do in our lives.


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