Envy, the green eyed monster. You’ve heard of it, and if you’ve been trying to conceive for as long as I have (17 months now) then you may have even felt it. It creeps up every now and then for me too. I would often just push those thoughts into the back of my mind. I didn’t pray about it because I was upset with God for not giving me the very thing I was longing for.
I have a confession to make. Last week at church I looked to the right of me and I noticed a woman walk in with a bunch of children. I felt a tinge of envy. I looked back up at the choir, but I couldn’t resist the urge to peek to my right again to see what her husband looked like. I didn’t see him. I looked back up at the choir. I peeked again. This time I looked at her left hand to see if she had a ring. Yes, I did. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I looked at her hand so I could judge her. I wanted to feel better than her because as she walked in with all those children, I felt inadequate. It was a reminder of my inability to conceive. I questioned God. *Eeeek* Can you believe I did that? I asked Him, “Why would you give this woman all these children and she’s not even married. She committing fornication, but you bless her. Why not me? Why not us? Don’t we deserve children, too?”
Then the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said this, “God is not limited in the number of children He can bring into this world. What do God’s blessings for this woman have to do with you?” I was immediately convicted. I judged this woman because I was envious of the children I assumed she had. I don’t know if those were even her children, what if she was married but didn’t wear a ring, what if they were adopted, what if they were foster children, what if she was married and the father passed away. How dare I judge that young woman. And so what if it was fornication exactly as I thought? I have sinned as well. Does that mean I’m not worthy of having children? Absolutely not, God has given us grace despite of who we are, and children are blessings from the Lord. I should be rejoicing with this woman for the blessings she had with her.
I repented and after feeling like a horrible Christian, I remembered that God has forgiven me, and His mercy has made me new. After all was said and done, I was comforted by those words the Holy Spirit spoke to me. “God is not limited in the number of children He can bring into this world.” Just because He has blessed someone else with a child, doesn’t mean He won’t bless me. He didn’t take my child and give it to someone else. He simply blessed them first. I was comforted by that, and at that point I really felt like I had conquered that green-eyed monster.
That is, until I went on the message board. *sigh* Everything was going great. My body was getting back on track, and I was enjoying my time on the message board. Then I saw a post, of a woman that had been trying to conceive for as long as I had. I remember her posts from when I first joined. And you guessed it… she was pregnant. Not only was she pregnant, but her betas were increasing and she heard the heart beat. The enviousness rose up quickly, and I quickly moved the cursor to close the thread. And then I was reminded of those Words the Holy Spirit spoke to me, “God is not limited in the number of children He can bring into this world”. Her blessing did not hinder mine. So, I rejoiced with my sister because God heard her cry and He answered her prayer. This was awesome for her. She had suffered loss like I did. She kept the faith and God answered her prayer. What an awesome testimony! I got out of myself and rejoiced for her and I used her story as a current day example of the awesomeness of God.
I realize now that while I may have to squash those feelings of enviousness from time to time; I can find hope in their stories and rejoice with them. God is still answering prayer right now, and I know that soon this will all be a part of my testimony as I watch my children grow up before my eyes.