Faith

It’s been a while since I’ve been written on this blog.  In my last post, I was anxious about the two week wait and I posted a song that helps remind me that He is all I need.  Well, three days after that post I decided to take a home pregnancy test.  I was about to start training for a 5K and the literature says you shouldn’t start an intense workout regimen when you’re pregnant.  This was going to be intense so I decided to test just in case.  I was only 9 days post ovulation and it was the afternoon so I wasn’t too hopeful.  I peed on the stick while my husband chatted with me from the bedroom.  Once I finished in the bathroom, I went to get my workout clothes.  Before I finished, I decided to go take a peek at the test and I saw a faint line.  I ran out and told my husband, “I think it’s positive.”  I had already warned him that it would probably be negative even if I was pregnant because it wasn’t first morning urine (when you supposedly have the highest concentrations of the pregnancy hormone in your system).  He just looked and said, “Okay.”  I felt like he didn’t believe me so I went back in and the line was a little darker. Still faint but darker.  I called him in there and explained to him that a line, no matter how faint or dark it is, means you’re pregnant.  I could tell he was excited but he was a little cautious considering our previous loss and the months after when I thought I was pregnant (got positive pregnancy tests) only to have my period come. 

I took more and more tests and they kept getting darker.  My husband finally started believing and so did I.  We praised God and remained excited about our new addition, coming May 2013.  I found out I was pregnant very early on.  In fact, I was only 3 weeks and 2 days pregnant.  Most people don’t find out until 5 weeks or so.  So we were excited and I kept looking forward to the point where we passed 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant.  You see 5 weeks and 1 day is when I started spotting with my first pregnancy.  The pregnancy that turned out not to be.  So, I felt like if I could get past 5 weeks 1 day, then I had further proof that this was a viable pregnancy.

Guess what happened at 5 weeks 1 day.  That’s right… I started spotting.  I was devastated.  I was at work and I sent my husband a text and I’ll never forget his response.  “Noooooooooooo.”  My heart sank at that text.  While I was the one to witness the spotting, to see his reply helped make it all real for me.  The pain and heartache this would bring.  I then started telling myself okay everything’s okay maybe you’re just one of those women that will spot during pregnancy.  This soothed me for a while and then I went to the bathroom and the spotting had gotten worse.  I was devastated.  I didn’t think I could take another pregnancy loss.  It was too much to handle.  And two times in a row after we had been trying for so long.  This time I didn’t get angry with God.  I turned to Him like I hadn’t before.  I didn’t ask Him to save my baby.  I asked Him to make it okay with me and my husband.  I learned before that we can’t question why God allows certain things to happen.  We will just drive ourselves mad coming up with excuses that may or may not be the real reason.  So I didn’t want to pray for something God wasn’t going to allow to happen.

So this time I had faith, but I had a different kind of faith.  I had faith that God would get us through this.  I prayed for strength and I accepted that the pregnancy was not the blessing God had for us.  It sounds like I was not being a good Christian.  Shouldn’t I be praying that God save our baby?  Shouldn’t I be praying that our baby is in there doing just fine?  I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I couldn’t get my hopes up again only to have them dashed at the ultrasound.  I could only trust that He would get us through it.

I went to the doctor and had blood work performed.  My levels were no longer doubling and were pretty close to the same numbers they were during my first pregnancy.  This further helped me to cope with the fact that this was not going to work out.  I went on with life waiting for my first ultrasound.  The spotting got worse and then tapered off.  It was minimal by the time my ultrasound date rolled around.

At 7 weeks and 1 day, exactly two weeks after the spotting started, I laid down on the ultrasound table preparing myself for the moment when the ultrasound technician looked at me and said, “I’m sorry.”  I waited and she rubbed the probe over my belly.  She was quiet.  I tried to peek at the screen, but saw nothing.  I sighed and began to try and deal with things on my own.  I didn’t seek God in a time when I needed Him most.  Then she turned the screen to me, and I remember thinking how cruel is this woman.  Why would she turn this screen to show me an empty womb? 

She said, “Okay, there’s your baby and if you look closely you can see the heartbeat.”  What?!  Heartbeat?  There’s a baby in there?  Oh my gosh.  I can’t believe it.  Actually I don’t believe it.  I looked and sure enough there it was.  I told myself, don’t get too excited plenty of women have seen a heartbeat only to be told later the baby didn’t make it.  She took the heart rate down.  I was expecting something in the 150s but it was only 129.  Uh-oh.  This isn’t good.  Everyone else’s heartbeat was 150s or higher at this point.  There’s something wrong.  I knew not to get my hopes up.  The tech told me it was difficult to see so she would get some better pictures with the transvaginal ultrasound. She did the transvaginal ultrasound and I could see the head and the body very clearly.  At that moment, I felt like things were going to be okay.  She measured the heart rate again and this time it was 146.  I felt much better about that. 

I got pictures and went to the waiting room to my husband.  I showed him the ultrasound and the first thing he said was, “Praise God!”  Praise God is right!  He has given us a precious gift.  We will forever praise Him.

Sometimes I beat myself up about how everything started.  How could I not believe God during the two weeks wait?  How could I not believe God to save our baby?  What kind of Christian am I?  What kind of mother will that make me?  I will not allow those thoughts to consume me.  I believe that sometimes the only faith God wants us to have is the faith that He will make the situation okay with us.  No matter how devastating that situation may be. 

I know the worst of the worrying is not over.  I won’t breathe a sigh of relief until I am holding my baby in my arms, but I also know that time will come with a whole new set of worries.  I know what this will teach me (and I hope someone  else that may be reading this blog).  This will teach me how to have faith in Him through it all.  His Word says that He will never leave us or forsake us, and that is the truth!