Today I read a blog post about a woman’s struggles with her miscarriage. From that post I saw a link to another blog post from a woman entitled, “From Miscarriage to Miracle: This is My Testimony.” I read it and it touched my heart. She said some of the things I’ve been feeling recently. I’m terrified about this pregnancy. I’m not enjoying it as much as others have said I should. I worry when his ultrasound pictures don’t look like the others. I worry when I don’t feel him kicking much while others talk about how their babies keep them awake at night with all their kicking. I worried when my belly looked too big, and I worry now that I’m not gaining much weight. I don’t share the details of my pregnancy on Facebook because I’m afraid things won’t turn out well. I worry that there will be something wrong with him. I just worry.
Before I got pregnant the first time, I told myself that I would stand before the Bible Study crowd at church and give my testimony of infertility all the way to baby. I got pregnant and began thinking about when I would share my testimony and what all I would say. Then the pregnancy ended and as I’ve written in previous posts, I was angry with God. I made peace with things and we were able to get pregnant later.
I sit here now six months pregnant, but I’m not sharing my testimony. To be honest, I’m really afraid of sharing my testimony only to have something bad happen. I don’t want others looking to my testimony for their faith in God only to have things turn out bad. I don’t want someone to read my blog and come and say, “See, I knew God wasn’t real.” I keep telling myself, I’ll start really blogging again once my son is born. I think it’s important for people to see the good along with the bad. Some people can live their life full of faith and hardly ever let the bad things get them down. That’s awesome for them. Some people struggle with their faith. They have good days and they have bad days. This blog is for those people. We need to know that bright days can out number the grey days. We need to learn how to see the bright days. I’ve been away, but I’m ready to come back and share my struggles. All of this is part of my testimony and that’s what this blog is about.