I finally sat down to read chapter one today. I’ll admit, I peek at it last week and saw that it was about contentment and I put it down. I told myself… “I can start learning about contentment tomorrow. Right now I’m happy to be pessimistic about everything.” Sounds weird. How can you be happy to be pessimistic about everything? It’s easy. It’s what I’m used to, what I’m comfortable with so it’s easy. There’s no challenge here. Just keep seeing the glass as half empty that way you aren’t too disappointed when the rest of the contents of the glass spill and you have nothing.
Yesterday, I was reading in a pregnancy forum and saw that a woman just experienced at stillbirth at 36 weeks. I felt horrible for her. I can’t imagine carrying a baby for this long only to lose him before you even got a chance to meet him.
I started thinking about my son. Sure I could feel him moving around in there, but so could she at 34 weeks and 6 days. Then I decided I would be vigilant about counting kicks and making sure he’s moving in there. Well sure enough I woke up this morning and went almost a whole hour of not feeling him move. I took a shower, brushed my teeth, put on lotion and still nothing. I started to worry. Then the Holy Spirit told me to give it to God. In all of this I hadn’t truly given it to God. I prayed and gave it to Him while still being conscious of any movement.
After I ate breakfast he started moving around in there. I’m sure he was just sleeping, but my mind automatically went to the worst case scenario. At that moment, I realized that the stress I kept putting myself under was not good for me or the baby. Yeah, the pessimism is comfortable, but I’m tired of living like that.
Today at church I purposefully focused on the good things. My son was moving around making me uncomfortable and I praised God for it. That meant my son was in there and he was alive. I have been blessed to carry this life for the past 8 months. I thank God for that. I’ve gotten the chance to experience what it feels like to have a baby moving inside of me. That’s an amazing experience. So instead of constantly worrying about how he was doing in there, I was rejoicing for making it to this moment.
This afternoon I picked up the book and read chapter 1. It was so absolutely what I needed to read at this moment. The biggest thing I got out of this chapter was that contentment is learned. It’s not something that’s innate in everyone, and it’s definitely not the default for me. It’s something I will have to learn. You would think I got this concept a few months ago when I wrote about contentment, but obviously I didn’t drill it into my heart. I can learn to be content in all things because Christ gives me the strength to do so. I just have to remember to let the Holy Spirit be my guide. It won’t be comfortable in the beginning, but it will make life a lot less stressful. 🙂