Anatomy Scan

We had our anatomy scan today.  I have been waiting on this day for exactly 8 weeks.  I can’t even begin to explain how nervous I was about this scan.  At 20 weeks and 5 days, I still had yet to feel definitive movements.  I have read all over the internet about women feeling their babies moving at 17 weeks and by 20 weeks they are talking about their baby doing karate and seemingly never keeping still.  I was nervous there were something wrong.  When I would get too worried I would remember to give it to God.  Sometimes that’s so much easier said than done.

Well, our appointment time finally came.  I went to the front desk to check in and the receptionist asks has anything changed with my insurance and she tells me she’ll need to see my insurance card since it’s a new year.  I hand over my insurance card and she tells me to have a seat.  My husband and I sit down and wait.  Two other women come in and seem to check in with no problems.  I whisper to my husband, I hope nothing is wrong with my insurance.  He assures me that there’s no problem.  I then start to worry about whether or not I accidentally opted out of medical insurance when I completed my benefits form at work.  The receptionist then asks me am I sure there have been no changes to my insurance.  I tell her that I didn’t get a new card or anything and ask if there is something wrong.  She says the lady is still calling and tells me to go ahead to the radiology area and she will have the lady keep trying.  So of course I’m freaking out now.  I really need insurance.  I start wondering if maybe there was a problem with the system at the dr’s office.  So I decide to log in from my phone and view everything.  I look at the app and it says that ultrasounds will be $200.  $200!  What in the world.  We are on a budget.  I didn’t plan for $200 for an ultrasound.  Then I start to think okay, maybe the app is just showing out of pocket costs for those without insurance.  So I decide to look at other services and they only show a $20 co-pay.  So of course by this time I’m panicking.  I can call my insurance but something tells me this is an issue I will need to have cleared with my job.  It’s Friday and I won’t be able to talk to my job about it until Monday.  That means I’ll have all weekend to worry about this.

Then the technician calls me to the back.  I get undressed (I was so hoping I wouldn’t have to do that for this appointment but I did.  As I put everything up and go to the waiting area, I  start to get a little excited about seeing out baby.  Then I think about the insurance and just get really irked.  This was supposed to be an appointment where I had my fears eased.  Now I just have new worries.  Then I remembered to give it to God.  This was a happy occasion for us to see our baby.  And learn if our baby really is a boy.  Sidenote:  We had an ultrasound a few weeks ago because I had persistent pain from fibroids.  The technician said it was a boy but she was never able to show me the potty shot.  So in the back of my mind I suspected that maybe she was wrong.  

The technician called me to the ultrasound room and we stopped to pick up my husband.  As we walk to the room, he grabs my hand and tells me everything is okay because he knows how I worry.  I lay down on the table and by then I really really really have to pee.  They told me to drink 20 oz of water 45 minutes before the appointment.  I had been drinking water all day, but 45 minutes before my check in time I downed 16 oz.  It’s now been an hour and I really have to go.  The technician explains to me that she has to take a bunch of measurements first and then she will let me see my baby.  I think to myself, well why can’t we just both watch together.  I’m anxious to see my baby!  So, she starts the ultrasound.  She tells me my bladder is really full and she’s just going to measure my cervix and then she’ll let me go relieve myself.  Whew!

So I come back and she starts looking at the baby.  The screen is turned away from me so I can’t see anything.  The technician is taking her measurements but she isn’t saying anything. 😦 I close my eyes and pray.  Many would say that if there’s no heartbeat at this point it’s too late, but Jesus raised Lazarus so I know God can perform a miracle here.  I open my eyes and look at my husband he gives me the thumbs up so I breathe a sigh of relief.  Now I just want to see my baby.  After about 15 minutes of silence, the technician asks me what I think I’m having.  I tell her a boy based on my last ultrasound but I that I didn’t get to see.  After about another 3 or 4 minutes she turns the screen around for me to see.  And I can see clear as day that it’s a boy!!!  I was so happy.  While the previous technician was 95% sure, the auditor in me had to see it for myself.  And boy did he make sure I saw it.  

She left the room to write up the report and let the technician in training do some scanning.  It was amazing.  We got to see our son in there just chilling.  He didn’t move much, but we saw him wiggling in there.  We were trying to get a good profile shot.  His face was smushed up against the placenta so it was hard to get some contrast for a good profile shot.  Then I guess he had just had enough because he turned his back to us. LOL.  The technician had me roll over and we got to see his profile again and saw him chomping away on something. LOL.  It was the cutest thing ever (at least for us it was).  Then the technician went down so we could see his feet and toes and our little man pulled his leg back and let out one big kick!  I didn’t feel a thing.  I asked the technician where my placenta was and he let me know that it was an anterior placenta.  That explains why I wasn’t feeling any kicks.  What a sigh of relief!  *Whew*  

So, the tech-in-training went to see what was taking the other tech so long to write the report.  Then the worry started again.  I told my husband something must be wrong with him and that’s why she’s taking so long.  After another 10 minutes my husband pops his head out and another technician tells him we should just sit tight and they will let us know when we can leave. About 5 minutes later the tech-in-training tells us we are free to go.  

Now I’m sad again with worry.  What could be wrong with him?  Did God not hear our prayers.  What is He trying to show us here.  I can’t take another loss.  As I’m changing back into my clothes the technician tells me that my report should be ready in about a week and if they don’t call me I need to call them.  So, I tell her okay and she tells me congratulations.  Now, I’m extra panicked.  Why couldn’t she just tell me everything is okay?  Then she comes back and asks when am I meeting with my dr.  I let her know that I was heading straight over there, and she said okay that is good.

I tell my husband what happened and try to prepare  him for bad news.  He remains optimistic.  I so love this man!  I head over to the dr’s office but before I do I check in with the receptionist and make sure everything is okay with my insurance.  She assures me that everything checked out fine. Praise God!!!

The dr calls us in immediately and I go to pee and she takes my blood pressure and all the usual stuff.  We hear the heartbeat on the doppler.  He’s beating strong in the 150s.  I’m happy but still a little nervous.  Who am I kidding?  I was a lot nervous.  I saw the heart beating on the ultrasound hearing it on the doppler didn’t really ease any fears.  

Then the dr comes in.  She’s so cheerful.  She sits down and says so… are you excited about this big baby you’re going to have?  I was like huh?  She says, “Yes, your baby weighs 15 oz. and that’s over the 90th percentile.” Uh-oh.  He’s too big.  90th percentile?  They don’t even go higher than that.  What’s wrong with him?  I think she saw the worry in my eyes because the next thing she said was, “But his anatomy is perfect!”  Oh thank you Jesus!  Thank you God!  Thank you Holy Spirit!  She tells me to cut out the pasta, rice, bread and juice.  I’m okay to eat cereal in the morning so that I can get my calcium in but that’s it.  Only one bowl a day.  I can do that.

The rest of the appointment went smooth.  So I must cut out the carbs.  This is going to be hard, but anything for my son. 🙂 

Faith

It’s been a while since I’ve been written on this blog.  In my last post, I was anxious about the two week wait and I posted a song that helps remind me that He is all I need.  Well, three days after that post I decided to take a home pregnancy test.  I was about to start training for a 5K and the literature says you shouldn’t start an intense workout regimen when you’re pregnant.  This was going to be intense so I decided to test just in case.  I was only 9 days post ovulation and it was the afternoon so I wasn’t too hopeful.  I peed on the stick while my husband chatted with me from the bedroom.  Once I finished in the bathroom, I went to get my workout clothes.  Before I finished, I decided to go take a peek at the test and I saw a faint line.  I ran out and told my husband, “I think it’s positive.”  I had already warned him that it would probably be negative even if I was pregnant because it wasn’t first morning urine (when you supposedly have the highest concentrations of the pregnancy hormone in your system).  He just looked and said, “Okay.”  I felt like he didn’t believe me so I went back in and the line was a little darker. Still faint but darker.  I called him in there and explained to him that a line, no matter how faint or dark it is, means you’re pregnant.  I could tell he was excited but he was a little cautious considering our previous loss and the months after when I thought I was pregnant (got positive pregnancy tests) only to have my period come. 

I took more and more tests and they kept getting darker.  My husband finally started believing and so did I.  We praised God and remained excited about our new addition, coming May 2013.  I found out I was pregnant very early on.  In fact, I was only 3 weeks and 2 days pregnant.  Most people don’t find out until 5 weeks or so.  So we were excited and I kept looking forward to the point where we passed 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant.  You see 5 weeks and 1 day is when I started spotting with my first pregnancy.  The pregnancy that turned out not to be.  So, I felt like if I could get past 5 weeks 1 day, then I had further proof that this was a viable pregnancy.

Guess what happened at 5 weeks 1 day.  That’s right… I started spotting.  I was devastated.  I was at work and I sent my husband a text and I’ll never forget his response.  “Noooooooooooo.”  My heart sank at that text.  While I was the one to witness the spotting, to see his reply helped make it all real for me.  The pain and heartache this would bring.  I then started telling myself okay everything’s okay maybe you’re just one of those women that will spot during pregnancy.  This soothed me for a while and then I went to the bathroom and the spotting had gotten worse.  I was devastated.  I didn’t think I could take another pregnancy loss.  It was too much to handle.  And two times in a row after we had been trying for so long.  This time I didn’t get angry with God.  I turned to Him like I hadn’t before.  I didn’t ask Him to save my baby.  I asked Him to make it okay with me and my husband.  I learned before that we can’t question why God allows certain things to happen.  We will just drive ourselves mad coming up with excuses that may or may not be the real reason.  So I didn’t want to pray for something God wasn’t going to allow to happen.

So this time I had faith, but I had a different kind of faith.  I had faith that God would get us through this.  I prayed for strength and I accepted that the pregnancy was not the blessing God had for us.  It sounds like I was not being a good Christian.  Shouldn’t I be praying that God save our baby?  Shouldn’t I be praying that our baby is in there doing just fine?  I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I couldn’t get my hopes up again only to have them dashed at the ultrasound.  I could only trust that He would get us through it.

I went to the doctor and had blood work performed.  My levels were no longer doubling and were pretty close to the same numbers they were during my first pregnancy.  This further helped me to cope with the fact that this was not going to work out.  I went on with life waiting for my first ultrasound.  The spotting got worse and then tapered off.  It was minimal by the time my ultrasound date rolled around.

At 7 weeks and 1 day, exactly two weeks after the spotting started, I laid down on the ultrasound table preparing myself for the moment when the ultrasound technician looked at me and said, “I’m sorry.”  I waited and she rubbed the probe over my belly.  She was quiet.  I tried to peek at the screen, but saw nothing.  I sighed and began to try and deal with things on my own.  I didn’t seek God in a time when I needed Him most.  Then she turned the screen to me, and I remember thinking how cruel is this woman.  Why would she turn this screen to show me an empty womb? 

She said, “Okay, there’s your baby and if you look closely you can see the heartbeat.”  What?!  Heartbeat?  There’s a baby in there?  Oh my gosh.  I can’t believe it.  Actually I don’t believe it.  I looked and sure enough there it was.  I told myself, don’t get too excited plenty of women have seen a heartbeat only to be told later the baby didn’t make it.  She took the heart rate down.  I was expecting something in the 150s but it was only 129.  Uh-oh.  This isn’t good.  Everyone else’s heartbeat was 150s or higher at this point.  There’s something wrong.  I knew not to get my hopes up.  The tech told me it was difficult to see so she would get some better pictures with the transvaginal ultrasound. She did the transvaginal ultrasound and I could see the head and the body very clearly.  At that moment, I felt like things were going to be okay.  She measured the heart rate again and this time it was 146.  I felt much better about that. 

I got pictures and went to the waiting room to my husband.  I showed him the ultrasound and the first thing he said was, “Praise God!”  Praise God is right!  He has given us a precious gift.  We will forever praise Him.

Sometimes I beat myself up about how everything started.  How could I not believe God during the two weeks wait?  How could I not believe God to save our baby?  What kind of Christian am I?  What kind of mother will that make me?  I will not allow those thoughts to consume me.  I believe that sometimes the only faith God wants us to have is the faith that He will make the situation okay with us.  No matter how devastating that situation may be. 

I know the worst of the worrying is not over.  I won’t breathe a sigh of relief until I am holding my baby in my arms, but I also know that time will come with a whole new set of worries.  I know what this will teach me (and I hope someone  else that may be reading this blog).  This will teach me how to have faith in Him through it all.  His Word says that He will never leave us or forsake us, and that is the truth!